from a recollection last night.

A Lenten Recollection.

Headed by Father Lorenzo – the awesomesauce, action star priest in our parish (nah – he’s just Caucasian – demo saa, he looks like Jesus, in a way).

Needless to say, I realized that I was depressed.

Symptoms are overeating, oversleeping, etc. I’m guilty to both.

If you have a tendency to overeat, then you’re trying to fill up this feeling of ‘I’m lacking something in life – but I don’t know what’. When you oversleep, you think that ‘It feels good to sleep – all of my problems are forgotten’ – and soon enough, this will become a habit. Soon enough, what we’d want is an eternal sleep. (equals to death, ne?)

Depression is a state in one’s life in which you’ll go all “What’s wrong with me? Why are they like that, but I’m still like this? Will I remain like this forever? My life is worthles…”

I’m guilty to that too.

People often dream of a peaceful life, nyaa – demo saa, they don’t realize that a peaceful ‘life’ isn’t life at all. It’s death.

Think about it… when you’re alive… your heartbeat is like this…

It’s erratic, and always has its ups and downs.

Come to think about it, if you’re already… *ahem* dead, then it’s going to be stable. Peaceful.

Depression can also be related to ‘half-life’, or the state of living out your life as others expect you to, and ‘infantilism’, or the state of living in which ‘you don’t want to grow up’.

Straying a bit from the topic, nyaa, I also learned that it’s hard to say ‘let’s start over’.

Consider the situation…

Mizuki is a university student who went to take a course that wasn’t really her first choice (nor the one that she really wanted). She graduated after years of studying and got a fine job. But every time she thought about it, she would ask herself ‘am I really happy with what I am now?’. Even if she knew it to herself that she isn’t, she tries to forget that fact because she doesn’t want to start over from scratch again.

(That’s the closest thing I could remember from yesterday’s story.)

Anyway…

‘Depression’ is considered to be ‘our Gethsemane’ – the same Gethsemane in which Jesus prayed to God to reconsider his fate.

“Abba, Father, all things are possible to you. Take this cup away from me, but not what I will but what you will.”

Demo saa, we shouldn’t always rely on what we want. Sometimes, we should stop and reconsider what we need. And from what I learned, our only need is God, and we’re bound to live a fruitful life.

*

Last night, Father Lorenzo asked us to pray for what we really wanted. The first thing I thought of is that ‘I want to be with him‘, until Father said ‘Thy will be done’.

It’s not that I don’t trust God with my happiness…

Demo saa… It’s still… so really hard. T_T You get my drift, nyaa?

*runs off*

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